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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23221855">Own Feelings</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarblossom/pseuds/sugarblossom'>sugarblossom</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda OOC but what did you expect, Papa Kukui</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:20:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,824</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23221855</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarblossom/pseuds/sugarblossom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ash is stressed over leaving Alola, and Kukui reassures him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kukui-hakase | Professor Kukui &amp; Satoshi | Ash Ketchum, Satoshi | Ash Ketchum &amp; Satoshi no Pikachu | Ash Ketchum's Pikachu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>76</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Own Feelings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Are you kidding me? You both accomplished your dreams! I’m so proud of you two!” Ash cheered over the video chat, a wide grin on his face. Pikachu chirped in agreement before puffing his chest out, poking at Ash’s cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brock chuckled, answering, “I’m more proud of you.” Misty, on the other hand, only tsked with a smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nah, I am!” Pikachu rolled his eyes, also waving his arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Brock sweatdropped when fire erupted in Misty’s eyes. “No, I am! I’m so proud you won the Alola League!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nuh-uh, I’m more proud of you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Guys.” Ash and Misty both stared at Brock, and Pikachu’s ears twitched in exasperation. “Guys, this is a happy occasion, no need to argue.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash and Misty both jokingly narrowed their eyes, saying in unison, “We’re not arguing!” Pikachu facepalmed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rolling his eyes, Brock put his hands out. “Alright alright, I get it.” He glanced at the time. “I’ve got to go. Good luck, you two!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, me too,” Misty commented. “I’ll see you guys later!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash and Pikachu both waved. “Bye!” The moment Misty and Brock ended the chat, Ash sighed, leaning back against Kukui’s sofa.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pikachu hopped from Ash’s shoulder onto the table, nudging at Ash’s homework.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wow. They’re amazing….” Chirping in agreement, Pikachu pumped his fists up and down. Ash sighed, laying down and staring up at the ceiling. “They’re all accomplishing so much, yet what have I done?” Pikachu tilted his head, cooing worriedly. “Yeah, I know I won, but…. why does it feel like everyone’s leaving me behind?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Scampering onto Ash’s chest, Pikachu hissed at him, denying it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Pikachu.” Ash sat back up, placing Pikachu on the sofa in front of him before picking up his pencil. Pikachu stared at Ash as he scanned his homework. “I just don’t know anymore….” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a moment of silence, Pikachu screeched. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash startled, nearly dropping his pencil when Kukui burst into the room. “What was </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Pikachu pointed to Ash, who furrowed his eyebrows at Pikachu. “...Do you need my help with-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, nope!” Ash said while shaking his head, writing down a short reflection on his homework. “This one’s really simple!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kukui placed his hands on his hips, raising an eyebrow when Pikachu glared at Ash. He ambled over, sitting next to Ash. “That makes sense, it is the last assignment after all.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash stiffened, biting his pencil’s eraser when Pikachu hopped into Kukui’s lap, gesturing between them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kukui stared at Ash. Ash felt sweat bead up near the edge of his hairline. His leg started bouncing. He started fidgeting with his pencil. He ran a hand over his homework problems before tapping his fingers on the table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...Ash, is something wrong?” Pikachu chirped worriedly, nodding.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh no no no, of course not, I’m doing f- I’m doing great!” Kukui blankly stared at Ash as the pencil in his grip trembled. “Just… great….”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kukui placed Pikachu on the table, scooting closer to Ash. “Do you want to talk about it?” Ash only stayed silent. Kukui held out an arm, gesturing Ash towards him. Ash bit his lower lip, leaning against Kukui. Kukui wrapped his arm around Ash’s shoulder, slightly shaking him. “I might not understand what you’re going through right now, but I’ll do whatever I can to help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash glanced off, scooting away from Kukui’s hug, to Pikachu’s annoyance.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...My friends are so much better than me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, you shouldn’t degrade yourself like that.” Hissing in agreement, Pikachu hopped onto the sofa and poking at Ash’s chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash froze. “Ah, no I’m not! It’s the truth, so don’t worry about it!” He fidgeted with his fingers. He cracked his knuckles and twiddled his thumbs and felt the edge of his nails and-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ash.” Pikachu scampered into Ash’s lap, nudging at his hands.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t like this before.” Ash sighed, running a hand over his face. “I just don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>understand</span>
  </em>
  <span>….” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can tell me, Ash.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash stared down at Pikachu. “Look, it’s fine. I’m doing great. You’re probably busy, I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re not bothering me if that’s what you’re worried about.” Ash blankly stared at Kukui. “...If you don’t want to tell me what’s going on, is there anything else I can help?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pikachu nuzzled Ash’s chest, cooing as Ash stayed silent. After almost a minute of silence, Ash shook his head, taking Pikachu into his arms and standing up. “You don’t really mean that. Stop pretending you do.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What? I do!” Kukui stood up as well, eyes wide as Ash placed Pikachu next to his homework. “I really do care-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh look I’m wrong again!” Ash grinned, patting Pikachu on the head before walking towards the door. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kukui jumped over the table, standing between Ash and the door. “Ash, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I’m not letting this go, because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> you’ll tell me-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Professor, it’s not important.” Ash glanced at the door before sighing, turning back and practically faceplanting onto the sofa. Pikachu and Kukui exchanged worried glances.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well it’s clearly important to you.” Kukui sat next to Ash, tousling Ash’s hair. “And no one deserves to be left in the silence.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...Not even me.” Pikachu snarled in denial, thumping his foot against the table.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Definitely not you.” Kukui sported a sad smile. “You deserve better than what you’re feeling. You deserve to be heard.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash glanced to the side, wincing when Pikachu hissed at him still. “...I’m a failure. I’m still not a pokemon master, I’ll never be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That… isn’t logical. And you won-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know! But it’s not enough!” Ash curled upon himself. “It’s never enough. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m </span>
  </em>
  <span>never enough. Nothing I do is enough. I need to do </span>
  <em>
    <span>more</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span>. I’m just </span>
  <em>
    <span>here</span>
  </em>
  <span>! What is </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span> with me?” Kukui placed a hand on Ash’s shoulder as he flatly continued, “I feel worthless. Just a stupid, weak, sensitive </span>
  <em>
    <span>idiot</span>
  </em>
  <span>. This is so pathetic, why am I not perfect? Why am I such a failure?” Pikachu leaped at Ash’s face before sliding off to the ground.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just because you feel that way doesn’t mean you are. And you don’t have to prove you’re enough, you just are.” Ash buried his face against the sofa once more, shaking his head. Pikachu climbed up onto Ash’s head, cooing into his ear. “Really, Ash. Your mind’s lying to you. You don’t have to be perfect. You’re not a failure-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash propped his head up, blankly staring at Kukui once more with Pikachu on his head still. “No, I’m really supposed to be doing something! The world feels like it’s about to end, and I always have to go save it! Yet I haven’t been doing anything! I’m a </span>
  <em>
    <span>failure</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” Ash hiccupped, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. Pikachu hopped onto Ash’s shoulder, patting his back with his tail. “You don’t have to put up with me. You should stay away from me, actually, considering I bring nothing but-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> leaving you alone like this.” Nudging Ash’s cheek, Pikachu chirped in agreement.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash ran a hand through his hair, fidgeting with a single strand. “I’m trying, Kukui. I need to feel in control of the situation, and I’m not!” He covered his eyes, tucking his knees in. “Alola has been so relaxing-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait, it </span>
  <em>
    <span>has</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Pikachu glanced off, nodding.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Ignoring Kukui’s incredulous look, Ash numbly stared at the TV in front of them. “After I leave, all these rules and schedules and routines-” He bit his lip, resting his head on top of his knees. “I can’t believe I’m gonna miss them. They at least give my life some sort of stability. Oh Arceus, it’s all gonna fall apart the moment I leave, I know it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...Deep breaths, Ash. I don’t want you to hyperventilate on me,” Kukui said, hands lingering near Ash’s arm. Pikachu glanced at Kukui, hopping back onto the sofa. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>After a minute of silence, Ash shut his eyes. “Everything’s changing way too fast. I’m sorry I can’t do more. I’m sorry I can’t be better.” Pikachu’s ears wilted as Ash guiltily glanced at him for a moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Kukui wrapped his arms around Ash once more, gently rocking him. “You haven’t done anything wrong, Ash. I know you’re trying the best you’re capable of, and that’s all that matters to me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No I….”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Treat yourself the way you treat your friends, Ash.” Pikachu pumped his fists up and down, nodding.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does it matter?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pikachu snarled, wriggling between Ash and Kukui to nuzzle Ash’s cheeks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It does to you, so of course it does to me. You deserve better than this.” Ash blinked, staring up at Kukui. “You’re an amazing person, Ash. You’re kind, you’re selfless, you’re optimistic-” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before Kukui could say anything else, Ash full-on sobbed, “Why is </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> the thing to break me?” Pikachu chittered, curling around Ash’s neck. “I should be happy about this, I…. I’m tired. I know I have no reason to be, but I am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You do have a reason to be. You’re spending all this energy worrying and stressing-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright, Ash.” Pikachu also reassured Ash with a few soft coos.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not!” Ash hissed, wiping away stray tears. “It doesn’t feel alright, it just doesn’t!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s alright too. I know it’s hard, but you’ve survived all your bad days-”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash laughed. “...I guess so. I really have made it through all of these days.” Pikachu flinched, and Ash winced as well.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m proud of you.” Ash glanced off, and Kukui repeated, “I. Am. </span>
  <em>
    <span>So</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Proud. Of you. I’m proud you’re hanging on. I’m proud you’re trying so hard. I’m proud that even though you’re going through so much, you’re still doing everything you can to be kind and upbeat.” Pikachu nodded, licking Ash’s cheek and tapping Ash’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Tears messily dripped down Ash’s face as he whimpered. “I’m… I’m scared.” Pikachu hopped onto Ash’s head, patting Ash’s forehead before darting onto the table, adorably jumping up and down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s alright to be scared. I don’t blame you for being nervous and stressed. All we can do is to keep our heads up and do our best.” Ash sat back against the sofa, sighing deeply. “You deserve to be proud of your accomplishments, Ash.” Kukui stood up, patting Ash’s head. “You can always call me, Ash. We’ll get through this, alright? Even if we’re separated through distance, we’re not separated in terms of love.” Pikachu chirped to Kukui in gratefulness, tail twitching as he stared at Ash.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ash rubbed his eyes, chuckling. “That’s so cheesy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pikachu rolled his eyes, hopping next to Ash for pets as Kukui said, “Admittedly, yeah, but I’ll always support you.” After a moment of silence, Kukui reached forward and scribbled something under Ash’s last homework problem. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The last assignment</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Deadline: N/A</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please take care of yourself”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seems hard now, but as long as you keep going, you can get through this. It’s gonna be okay, take your time. I believe in you! &lt;3</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Shoutout to everyone trying to cope regarding the state of the world! Especially those with mental illnesses and neurodivergences! Take care of yourselves! I hope the best for you all!<br/>Sending love and healthy wishes! Virtual hugs to anyone who wants one! &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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